Ghost in the Snow
by M.Veritas
Summary: A dead man owns Tali'Zorah vas Neema's heart and he's back to stake his claim to it. Welcome back, Commander Shepard.    NOW AVAILABLE: CHAPTER 6 "DEATH WAITS SMILING" -originally its own story 'The Funeral' now uploaded as a quick chapter before Chapter7
1. Ghost in the Snow

The light layer of snow crunched under the boots of the steadily advancing marine squad on Freedom's Progress. All was silent, and dark. It wasn't a calming silence, but an eerie one. And that silence in itself was what confirmed that not all was right. Tali moved swiftly and nimbly at the head of the group taking quick glances back at them as she took in the environment. Typical case. Human colony far out on the edges of Terminus space, Freedom's Progress, home to approximately 1,000,000 human colonists. All gone without a trace leaving no clues behind. Many colonies before had experienced similar silent disaster, and with this pattern moving like a freight train with no resistance, it would continue. Although this was an unsettling fact, it was not why Tali was sent here as temporary commanding officer of the elite marine squad at her disposal. Their objective was closer to home. Simply, find Veetor. Veetor was a quarian on his pilgrimage, who had chosen this human colony as his destination. Most likely because of it's small population, Veetor was very fidgety and nervous in crowds, he came meaning to aid the community in their progression, locking himself in a building at the end of an invaded colony was probably not what he had envisioned when he'd touched down on Freedom's Progress.

They stood at the gates of the colony a tall imperious white wall wrapping around in an oval for a couple of kilometers to either side of the squad. The wall appeared to consist of cement reinforced with steel and mixed plastics. Judging from the exterior, it was 30 feet tall and probably 10 feet thick. It would serve as a fantastic barricade to any trying to siege the colony from the exterior. That was believed to be the only way any foreign group could attack the colony, by landing outside, at least 50 kilometers away from the GARDIAN cannons within and attempting to enter from the outside. This was obviously irrelevant now as the walls of the compound hadn't actually done anything to assist those inside with staying inside and not being abducted. The quarian marines didn't look too thrilled to be on this assignment, Tali didn't much care for it either but she was hoping for a smooth operation without unnecessary hindrances.

Tali approached the maintenance gate to pick the lock and gain access while her ten marines secured the perimeter. You are in charge, she assured herself. She wanted to get through this mission to add one more gold star to her already stellar service record. As a result of her excellent conduct and performance in the field in service to the fleet over the last couple of years, she suspected they would soon promote her, this assignment was, perhaps, a final test of her leadership qualities. Not all in the group were satisfied with this assessment. Prazza, namely, had shown open disdain and resentment without even bothering to try and contain it.

"This is a simple extraction mission. In and out, we don't want to disturb the area before the Alliance arrive to investigate. We're getting Veetor and leaving. Any indiscipline leading to the sabotaging of this task will be reported to the Admiralty board." Tali had explained sternly on the ship. She took that tone to try and intimidate any possible insubordinates. She looked around at mostly young quarians nodding. She had the respect of all but Prazza. He scoffed loudly shaking his head, sitting on the bench of the war room with the rest of the marines. He stood up and walked to the center of the room where a 3D model of the complex they were to enter was on display via hologram with an arrogant strut.

"It's a damned human colony, they're all gone so we're clear. If anything gets in our way, we blast it. How's that sound?" He looked around at the other marines for support. The young marines looked uncomfortable having to take sides. They mostly remained neutral because while Tali was chosen by the Admiralty board and therefore their superior, Prazza was older than them and was notorious for his irascible temper and headstrong defiance.

"Keelah. Sit down Prazza." Tali muttered as she pressed her palm to her mask, looking at the ground, I don't even want to be in charge of this bosh'tet. She was sure the mission report would have to include a section dedicated solely to Prazza's infringement of the chain of command.

It wasn't too difficult to see as Tali began work using her omni-tool thanks to the still operating floodlights. Light snow was still descending and every few seconds, a few snowflakes would stick to her mask and slide down half melting, leaving a trail of water. This damned darkness isn't going to prove much of a help. At least the floodlights are still operational. After a minute or so she put the finishing touches on her work and stood back, some motors began growling as the gate geared to life and opened, sliding itself in. Once inside, Tali began discussing the plan and assignments of the group.

"We'll enter through the courtyard, sticking to the sides where there will likely be cover." Tali pointed out as she displayed a 3D map of the complex with her omni-tool.

"I'll take point vas Neema, we need to have a ruthless operative spearheading this offense." Prazza demanded in a manner typical of a mutinous soldier undermining a superior officer's rank.

"You'll obey orders or I'll dismiss you to the ship Prazza." Tali threatened taking a step toward him. He lingered for a moment challenging her, but Tali would not lose her nerve, she instead gained momentum as the other marines were visibly disturbed by Prazza's defiance.

"And who the hell do you think we're attacking? You were obviously raised watching action flicks of the great quarian commandos attempting to retake Rannoch. We are not here to attack anything. Now shutup." Tali spat in one breath, now stopping to inhale, her face was red from the strain.

"Prazza, you should stop, we need to commence with the operation and extract Veetor before our covertness is compromised here." Suggested Velli, the most experienced quarian present after Tali and Prazza. Prazza countered by stalking off ahead of the group. They picked up the pace to join him. This was certainly going to be in Tali's mission report.

* * *

><p>They were moving through an empty building overlooking the first courtyard. The second courtyard, which was much larger and open was where Veetor was holed up. Tali held her pistol by her side struggling to satisfy Prazza, who was behind her, with her pace. They exited the building through a passageway in what seemed to be a kitchen. They were back outside moving over crunchy frost once again as snowflakes descended and danced their way to the ground in a creepy manner befitting the surrounding derelict colony. A gust of wind whipped at them and bursted the small pile of snow ahead of them causing it to fly in their faces in a violent flurry, blinding them. When the snow settled and they could see again, a small squadron of LOKI mechs were waiting in front of them seemingly appearing out of thin air. Tali dove behind a crate for cover and shouted.<p>

"Take cover! Velli, move to the left, see if there are any more coming!"

The crate shook violently as it absorbed bullets fired from the hostile mechs.

"Please reconsider your aggressive stance." They said in their female voices as they attacked uncouth, trying to work their way through the empty barrels, crates and other random items scattered on the ground.

"Reconsider this!" Prazza shouted as he annihilated three of the four with a shot from his grenade launcher. His fierce aggression was a point of worry for Tali.

"Velli?" Tali called out as the last mech was shot down and subsequently destroyed as it tried to crawl and self-destruct near the group.

"Velli? Report." Tali commanded. The rest of the marines came out of cover to join Tali in investigating Velli's silence. What they found was what was expected. Blood, quarian blood.

As seven of the marines formed a perimeter to guard the building they'd just entered Tali along with Prazza and Yamat looked out at the second courtyard through the small home's windows. This building was the last safe haven before they dove into the deep, the second courtyard, where Veetor was holed up. It wasn't easy to control an already fidgety team, steering them through a mission with a timebomb like Prazza, let alone after losing a soldier. It was like guiding a train on one set of track. Tali considered this as she kneeled on the couch of the living room looking out. There was a cluster of mechs, about a dozen assuming defensive stances. The courtyard was divided in two because past them was an area blocked off by large crates and buildings that limited vision to the area beyond but was accessible on foot.. There was a deep rumbling of heavy machinery in gear coming from that area. That was what concerned Tali most.

"We don't know what's past those crates. We could try and fight off those mechs but what good would it be if fifty more follow from where we couldn't see." Sighed Tali dropping away from the window slightly exasperated.

"This is ridiculous, we'll deal with that problem when we get to it." Prazza dismissed as Tali got off the couch to conjure her hologram map yet again to plot a route. She was having difficulty formulating a plan to take out the mechs without alerting whatever lay beyond the barrier. Suddenly, the sound of a door the trio hadn't originally seen when they'd scanned the room opening startled them. A mechanical hiss announced the entrance of a foreign being, friend or foe, unknown. Great, thought Tali, always scan the secured area thoroughly, now we're sure to have a fight on our hands. She cursed and took scrambled to take aim but failed to hold her weapon to what came through. What came through that door wasn't a mech. It was a dead man.

* * *

><p>The man entered the room from a corridor ten meters away from the main room they occupied. He walked slowly, with measured steps that were taken with confidence as if he were in his own home. The sound of his boots thudding against the floor loudly clanged throughout the air. With every sound and accompanying crack of his boots against the floor, Tali's heart jumped, exhilarated, completely terrified, immobilized and submissive to him, her heart knew him before her eyes did. The lamps from the corridor illuminated all behind him, the specks of light and dust colliding, revealing the particles to be indecisive creatures flying and whirring about as if in buzz at his appearance. The light behind him shone but the darkness in the main room, aside from Tali's omni tool created a ghostly effect on his face that he really didn't need to appear awesome or mysterious since his existence was it's own conundrum. He was followed closely by a woman with pale white skin, a white combat suit hugging her skin and sleek black hair. She and another man, a black man with a scruffy goatee bore Cerberus insignias on their uniforms and had their weapons drawn at Tali, Prazza and Yamat unable to see very far into the main room straining to make out the figures beyond the man in front. He bore no Cerberus insignia, his crest was one that, again, couldn't have been truly there. N7. The ghost man led the way, weapon holstered and a smile seeming to play on his face. It was unclear. Tali's heart beat faster and faster telling her this was someone who all logic refused to accept. It's not him. Yes it is, look at him, there's no other explanation. No other man made your heart skip beats like this you fool. He stepped into the light of the omni-tool and the light of the flood lights outside that casted a very dim pale light into the room. His face was revealed by this miniscule amount of light shining, although Tali didn't need it to recognize him. Just then, she felt it, a dam in her heart breaking as the old hurt and pain flowed through freely, washing away everything the past two years had done to her. It all mixed, swished together and rose up, hot and sticky, the feelings of love lost, up from her gut, to her throat and reaching her lips.<p>

"Shepard."

Prazza and Yamat stood with alarm.

"Drop your weapons Cerberus." Spat Prazza with disgust as he and Yamat took aim. Shepard stepped into the light, unflinching at the weapons pointed at him. He didn't stop walking.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" Cried the Cerberus woman, as she glared and aimed at Prazza, the Cerberus man with her doing likewise to Yamat. Tali was paralyzed in a mix of ecstasy and completely elated shock. There didn't seem to be nearly enough time for her to gather and align her thoughts. Everything within her quarian mind and heart was racing. She began to feel her hands shake as she looked up into his piercing blue eyes. It was him. The man whose empty coffin they buried. The man who spent the last two years dead. He was staring straight into her, ignoring the barking marines. He was solely linked to her. All her maturity and calm nourished by her experience over the past two years vanished at the sight of Commander Shepard's face. He looked different. He no longer wore his hair shaved like a traditional marine, instead his hair was grown out, combed back and he was now sporting rugged stubble instead of his pre-death clean shaven look. Other than that, he was a perfect match for his former self. Except for one other thing, Tali remarked. He was missing a scar, a thin pink line that had run down from his right nostril over his mouth disappearing under his chin. Instead, he had smooth undamaged skin that was divided by glowing orange lines. More like scars, though they seemed to be perfectly proportional to each other. That was impossible, unless he'd been pieced together... She was lost again, sinking in the abyss. It was time for someone to catch her...

"Tali'Zorah..." Shepard whispered as he took her in, draping her waist and back with his arms. He held her up against his body leaving no space between them as if there weren't enough of her for him to hold.

"Shepard? Is that you?" She managed to answer. He nodded as she buried her head into his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck. They ignored the others and embraced.

"I don't understand..." She trailed as she looked up at him searching his eyes for the answer. He smiled and although seeming slightly pained, he laughed a little.

"Do you really think a little death is gonna keep me from you?" He hugged her tighter and she blushed under her visor. She didn't know what to disbelieve more. That Shepard was alive or that he was holding her.

"What the hell is going on?" Prazza demanded, his gun still targeting the intruders.

"Weapons down." Tali ordered as they let go of each other slowly.

"Not until those Cerberus scum drop theirs." Prazza motioned vigorously. Before Tali could retort, Shepard had ordered the woman, Miranda and the man, Jacob to holster their weapons. Prazza and Yamat did likewise, cautiously, searching them for a reason to draw their weapons and fire. As the tensions eased, Shepard explained his resurrection to Tali.

"Cerberus rebuilt me Tali, I've been dead for the last two years now. I'm here to investigate the missing colonists. You don't know how glad I am to see you though. I..." His voice broke as he struggled to continue.

"Are you alright Shepard?" Miranda butted in, rushing to his side grabbing the hand he was holding to his chest.

"Hah, yeah I'm okay. You sure you didn't forget any pieces on the operating table when you put me back together?" Shepard quipped, wiping away blood from the corner of his mouth that had barely seeped out of his lips. He swiped at the blood before anyone could see it and know the full extent of his injuries. Tali saw it.

"You're...uh..with Cerberus now?" Tali asked, taking a step back when all she wanted to do was move forward and hold him, instead of that Cerberus woman adhered to his side.

"I'm not with them, but they're the only ones doing anything about the missing colonies. I'm here for that purpose. That's all." He assured Tali as he gently pushed Miranda away dismissing her from attending to him perhaps hinting at what he'd just said through that subtle action.

"Well...I'm..happy to see you back commander. These last couple years have been hard..." Tali offered. She cleared her throat and looked around, remembering where she was.

"Uhh.. well we have to continue our assignment to get our missing quarian Veetor." She said still trying to believe the situation not knowing why she was trying to flee it.

"Let us help. We'll work together. Just like old times." He smiled. The same Shepard smile that melted her and left her a mess. In old times you weren't working for Cerberus or hemorrhaging Shepard, what have they done to you?

"Of course. Just like old times." She accepted. They discussed how to split up into the next and final courtyard. Tali and her squad would take on the dozen mechs. Shepard would go after whatever was behind the crates.

* * *

><p>As the mechs fire rained down on her cover Tali was within site of the room Veetor had locked himself in. Shepard had agreed to advance to the position beyond the large shipping crates and it sounded like he had a great fight on his hands. The sounds of explosions and crashing metal rang through the air as Tali struggled to get a good visual on Shepard or anything beyond the crates for that matter. There were three LOKI mechs currently battling her and no more living quarians. Prazza the fool had rallied the soldiers to rush to Shepard's position to take down whatever he was fighting as to make a point to Cerberus. What ensued was slightly ironic. Prazza and the marines squeezed through the closely placed crates only to have a rocket hit a large crate that toppled many others and crushed them all. She was very disturbed by the chain of events but it would all be explained to the board. Right now she was in a bit of a pickle. She popped out of cover and shot down one particularly feisty mech, it had reached a bench 10 meters away from her. Now the other two would be a problem, they were both crouched behind low walls near the large crates. That problem was quickly solved as Miranda and Jacob appeared to shoot them in their unsuspecting backs.<p>

"Come on, Shepard needs our help." Miranda shouted beckoning to Tali from across the courtyard.

"What? What is he fighting?" Tali enquired.

"Two YMIR mechs, hurry." Miranda said as she and Jacob ran off into the maze of crates. That was all the motivation Tali needed, she sprinted to the crates and inched through the narrow spaces. As she emerged on the other side, Shepard had just destroyed the second mech. He had his back to her, standing on top of the mech, his foot on where it's throat would be, now bereft of a head. The head in question was floating, basked in a blue glow that's trail ended at Shepard's raised hand. He had literally ripped it's head off with biotics. He turned abruptly, dropping the machine's head, it clanked to the ground and made a loud thud. He looked into Tali's eyes, there was something different in them, a hint of savagery. The blood she had noticed earlier only intensified her concern for her freshly resurrected commander. The pulsating blue light radiating from his arms died suddenly as he looked sobered by Tali.

"Guess I don't know my own strength." chuckled Shepard nonchalantly and added before hopping off of the freshly obliterated mech jovially,

"Let's get Veetor."

After informing the two accompanying Cerberus operatives that Tali would be taking Veetor with her back to the migrant fleet instead of them bringing him back for interrogation on what he'd witnessed during the colony's abduction, Miranda started to protest. Shepard cut her off before she could complain.

"Miranda, Jacob search the area for any remaining survivors or hostile forces." Shepard said sternly, running a hand through his longer wavy dark brown hair. They obeyed and sulked off. Now they were alone. Tali's heart returned to it's customary Shepard pace of beating at the speed of light.

"Hey you." Shepard said simply, as they ignored Veetor who was too far away from them in the room to hear them even if he wasn't partially insane.

"I missed you so much Shepard..." Tali admitted as he took a step towards her.

"I don't understand, how can this be you?" She asked as she returned the favor by stepping closer. She reached up and slowly placed her hand on his face. What are you doing? She thought.

"It's me, Tali." Shepard assured her, holding onto that same hand she had put on his face.

"Then..what's with this beard you have eh?" She joked easing the tension as she ran her hands across his cheeks, they were covered in stubble.

"Oh this? They tell me that they were testing the adaptability of my hair follicles to the skin grafts on my head. Very attractive terms I'm using I know, but I'm also a dead man. I'm entitled to some boring explanation." He replied, still holding her hands to his face.

"Testing your facial hair? Okay, you passed. Now can you test a razor?" She jibed patting his cheeks.

"Will do." He returned, tilting his head back as he laughed. His laughter warm and genuine, was something she had missed about him dearly.

"You know...We had a ceremony for you. We buried an empty coffin and everything." Tali informed him retracting her hands from his face.

"Well that sounds like a waste of a coffin." Scoffed Shepard accepting that she was taking her hands from his face but still holding them in his. "Next time they should make sure I'm at least in it before they bury it." He remarked.

"Very funny." She laughed punching his stomach gently with both hands still wrapped in his.

"Do you think that I get a discount now? Or do they just dig that coffin back up? Hmm..." He feigned thoughtfulness.

"You really know how to get a girl, whose just seen a ghost, laughing." She said shaking her head, smiling in her helmet.

"I'd cross the entire galaxy to hear that laugh." Shepard said more seriously looking into her, past the helmet. She blushed incessantly feeling weak and wobbly at the knees. Shepard had never spoken to her like this before. It was as if a dormant part of him had been awakened, hungry. She remembered the mech he'd destroyed with rage, and the blood, and now this.

"Shepard...I saw you bleeding earlier. I'm worried, what have they done to you?" She pressed trying to change the subject not knowing why she wanted to.

"Just some minor kinks I need to work out, still re-adjusting I guess, hope they got all of me down. It's just good to know I'm as good looking as before...If not more so." He said making a show of striking a pose to illicit a reaction from Tali. She couldn't resist laughing again. Damn this man, she remembered how hard she'd fallen for him. And how far he'd caused her to plummet with his death. She didn't want to be vulnerable like that again.

"Come with me Tali." Shepard said suddenly very sincerely no longer smiling, looking deep into her for the answer he wanted.

"What? No I can't" She stuttered. "I have other responsibilities now Shepard. I'm not just some kid you saved in a back alley on the Citadel anymore. I'm important now, to the flotilla..." She said lamely turning away unable to look him in the eyes.

"Hey" He cut her off, guiding her face towards him with a hand on the bottom of her faceplate, where her chin would be. "You've always been important to me."

"Keelah..." Tali whispered. The moment was beyond surreal. She had endured the last two years thinking she would never see his face again, and here he was, saying these things...

"But I understand. You go do what you need to do Tali'Zorah. I'm going to come back for you, and you're going to come away with me again." He said confidently, as he took slow steps away, without looking behind him. Before he was out the door and gone from her life again, Tali called out.

"Shepard...Please be careful." She suddenly felt herself blushing even more, as if that were possible. "I can't lose you twice."

"I plan on sticking around this time. There are some things I need to do. Some opportunities that presented themselves to me before. I'm not going to let them go this time around." He spoke coolly. He winked at her, turned out into the dark night and falling snow and was gone from her life again.


	2. Dead Men Feel No Pain

"I'm freaking insane." Said Shepard.

He was in a strange place. Not physically, but mentally, his center was gone and he was dazed. He couldn't remember, why he was here, when he got here or anything other than the present moment. His hands were gripping the sidings of the sink in his cabin's lavatory. The door was locked and he was shirtless. He'd torn his shirt off a while ago or at least he thought he did. He had lost track of how long he'd been in this position. His head was soaked with water from the running faucet and his head was tilted down leaving his long hair matted to his forehead, but his eyes refused to stop staring at him through the mirror. They taunted him and played with his mind, but never severed contact. _You don't know who you are anymore Shepard. What did Cerberus even do to you? You were never a ruthless man, always compassionate and benevolent. Why can't you control yourself then?_ He was barely maintaining the loose restraint he currently had over himself. It was like leashing a jaguar with string. It wasn't likely to last long.

Ever since he'd been resurrected, he'd had violent impulses and dark thoughts that sprung up sporadically. Combat was horrible, it intensified these longings and made them impossible to suppress. And oh the agony of being alone with his thoughts. At least when he was in the company of others, he knew he couldn't afford to lose control. _Shutup, you are in control. Don't pity yourself, oh God, don't pity yourself. _He thought to himself nauseously. He felt himself slipping, about to surrender to the sinister side.

_No..._

He squeezed the sink harder and harder, forcing the veins in his forearms to protrude. He started to lift it, a blue aura emanating from his hands as he increased his natural strength tenfold with his biotcs.

"Shepard, any further stress to the sink will result in it's removal from the wall." EDI piped up.

"Give me a minute." Shepard said, his voice tight and high from the pressure exerted. His eyes were slits now, sweat was pouring down his forehead and neck. He wasn't trying to rip the sink out, but rip the urges out. If the sink fell victim in the crossfire then so be it. Better it than him. He started to feel that he was gaining balance and control again. Just as the metal of the sink began to creak and groan begging for mercy Shepard eased up. The blue glow radiating from his hands died and he let go of the sink to back away. He put his hands on his knees, exhausted and panting. After a moment he jerked up, his back wrenched in the pain of the sudden movement, though he barely felt it and he took a deep sharp breath, like a person arising from the crushing black depths of the ocean to draw breath. He was emerging from Hell in a sense. He was out, and he relaxed.

"This is our little secret, right EDI?" Shepard inquired looking up while grabbing a shirt from his wardrobe. He still didn't know why he looked at the ceiling whenever he spoke with EDI. Because of her speakers being in the ceiling, he'd always assumed she was just_ up_.

"Confidentiality is assured, Shepard." She said.

"Thank you EDI." He replied, pulling the grey and black shirt he always wore on the Normandy over his head and on.

"Shepard, when you are ready, the Illusive Man would like to speak with you in the debriefing room." EDI informed him.

"Got it EDI." Shepard said, on his way to the elevator out of his cabin.

He stepped into the elevator and pressed for the second floor. _This elevator takes forever, why don't we have frigging stairs?_

* * *

><p>Shepard stepped into the scanner of the debriefing room as the bulb covered his body in a dim orange light. In a few seconds the Illusive Man and Shepard were visible to each other. He was seated in his usual position. Cigarette in hand, leg crossed over the other, in the middle of a massive room whose size was impossible to discern from these holo-chats. And of course, the great fiery burning star behind him.<p>

"Shepard." The Illusive Man stated as if it were a fact that needed confirmation and not a man being addressed.

He took a long drag from his cigarette and blew smoke into the air without turning his head so it created a smoky barrier. Shepard was patient.

"You've done well in your recent additions to the crew." The Illusive Man finally said.

"I've told you before, I want to recruit my old squad as well." Shepard said slightly irritated at the Illusive Man's apparent complacency. He never spoke with a sense of urgency, but rather one of calm appraisal of Shepard's actions and guidance of where to direct the upcoming assignments.

"You've already recruited the Justicar, Samara, Subject Zero, Thane and Garrus. There are a few others I've uploaded to your dossier before but yes, now would be the time to inform you of your previous Normandy crew Garrus excluded obviously." He conceded, taking another lengthy drag.

"Urdnot Wrex is currently trying to unite the clans of Tuchanka. He won't be available for selection." He said releasing a puff of smoke to join the cloud floating around him.

Shepard waited.

"Kaidan Alenko is unavailable, his duty to the Alliance is classified and therefore it would be impossible to recruit him." He stated, tipping cigarette ash into the tray on the small table to his right.

"Yeah yeah, I know. I remember Horizon." Shepard said, beginning to lose his patience, the Illusive Man knew who he wanted, but was beating around the bush.

"Liara T'so-"

"I want Tali." Shepard interrupted, tired of the game the Illusive Man was playing. "I'm not asking for your permission, I don't do that, but I'm requesting the intel I need to find her."

"Well Shepard, you didn't have to inquire about your entire squad if you only had one particular quarian in mind." The Illusive Man smiled coyly.

"Very well, I'll upload the information but I strongly discourage you from interfering with her current assignment, it is of classified importance to the Flotilla, and from what we know it has proven extremely dangerous and fatal to her squad, she may already be too far gone to save." The Illusive Man warned watching cautiously for the outburst he knew was imminent.

"What? What the hell is going on? I've asked you about her in every one of these useless meetings we've had since Freedom's Progess and you choose to tell me now, when she could be dead?" Shepard shouted shaking furiously, loud enough so that some of the other crew could hear muffled snippets of what was taking place in the debriefing room.

"Shepard, without the members of your team that you've gathered since your first encounter with Tali, you'd have no way of helping her out of the peril she currently faces. Your team would have been too weak." He said confidently. He took another drag.

"Well why couldn't I have gotten her before her mission?" Shepard demanded, his blood boiling, wanting a face to face confrontation with this man more than ever.

"There would have been no way she'd have gone with you, the weeks after Freedom's Progress were all spent training with a new marine squad and researching. This is her final classified mission for the Flotilla as far as we know. Once she's done with this, she's yours." The Illusive Man winked knowingly as if he had just been disclosed a secret about Shepard that no one else knew. In a sense, he had.

Shepard stormed out, not bothering with a farewell. He checked the data sent to him concerning Tali's whereabouts.

"_Haestrom, Far Rim, Dholen System. Hostiles: Great numbers of geth signatures picked up._"

He cooled off a bit as he entered the armory to organize the weapons he'd be taking out on his trip to Haestrom. He, of course, had other assignments, but this one took priority for reasons not clear to logic but blatantly obvious to his gut. And to his heart. As he cleaned and disassembled his assault rifle, he pondered the fortune of his situation. He'd always felt a bond with Tali, ever since he'd saved her on the Citadel, but for reasons he couldn't explain, he hadn't acted on his feelings. Perhaps he felt she was too young, although there was only a six year difference between them. Tali being 24, but her sheltered immaturity attributed to Shepard's juvenile impression of her. But he remembered, he'd always felt a spark, and watching her grow during the mission into an intelligent and thoughtful woman only further amplified his interest. He swiftly and mechanically reassembled the rifle and started with the pistol and sub machine guns. Ever since he'd been awoken, he'd had a fresh hunger for life in all aspects, exercise, education (he had been spending entire nights awake researching and learning through his codex), combat and now this avenue. Love. He laughed. _What is love?_ He thought, reminded him of a very old song they used to play on Earth. He'd though this hunger was a healthy one, but when Cerberus rebuilt him, he could swear they added an extra dose of crazy menace to his equation. He would just have to get over it.

He fiddled with a customized silencer and screwed it onto his pistol's muzzle. _Ah to hell with it, I'm letting all the geth on that damned planet know who's crashing this party_. He fumbled it and the pistol clanked to the metallic ground. Jacob looked up, taking note of Shepard's unsettled state.

"Commander." Jacob said, kneeling down to retrieve the weapon, handing it to Shepard.

"You seem bothered by something, what's on your mind?" Jacob asked.

"I appreciate the thought but I'm good. I just had a lovely chat with your boss is all." Shepard said taking the pistol gratefully, placing it on the table next to his loadout.

"Well, I don't agree with everything he does, so I consider _you_ more my boss than him, especially after you helped me out with my father. That was an amazing thing you did. So if the shit ever hits the fan. I got your back." He said extending his hand to shake Shepard's.

Shepard smiled and grabbed it, shaking it with genuine relief. It was relaxing to have someone on board he knew he could trust. Jacob was in his debt and didn't seem to have the guile necessary to deceive him. But then again, time would only tell how true to those words he would be.

"Alright, well I'm gonna get back to some work I had set aside. Where are we off to next?" Jacob asked moving back to a table littered with weapon parts as he conjured his omni-tool to commence his work.

"Haestrom." Shepard said getting up to leave.

"Haestrom? I thought we were off to see about Okeer on Tuchanka." Jacob said, curiosity seeping through his words. Shepard would not indulge. He was half out the door when he turned back and said to Jacob

"Yes. Haestrom. Something important has come up."


	3. Blood in the Sun

"Are you going to kill it or not, commander?" Jacob Taylor asked, a tinge of worry playing in his voice as he scanned the open lot past the cove they were now in.

Shepard noted the worry but carried on unperturbed. He was standing over a geth recon drone, his foot cementing it to the ground. It was a small flying drone about the size of a human torso, it's main capability being to detect enemy signatures. It also had a small cannon mounted to it's underbelly. He needn't be concerned of it opening fire as he'd long since blown the bottom part of it's body away, including it's firing muzzle. All it could do now was what it was doing, record and scout the enemy. They had run into it just a minute after landing, it whirred by, oblivious to their presence and Shepard had immediately pulled out his 'Hand Cannon' and shot it out of the air in one fluent motion. Now it lay in this abject state of inevitable demise.

"Shepard, it's recording everything we're doing, the geth are going to know where we are. And you didn't even have to shoot it, it hadn't judged us as hostile yet." Miranda protested, putting her hand on his arm, tugging slightly. He pulled away.

"Good." Shepard said, descending to his knees to join the miserable geth scout, looking it where he imagined it's eyes or cameras were.

"Commander Shepard, Normandy crew." He said to it clearly and coolly. He stood erect once again and remembered how one of these same drones had brutally shredded an old crewmate, Jenkins', chest to pieces on Eden Prime.

He smashed what little of it remained into pieces with the heel of his boot.

"Hostile."

* * *

><p>"Y'know Commander, I hate geth too but I don't know how much mocking that drone affected their morale. They seem pretty pissed." Jacob shouted from 10 meters away, protected by the huge slab of concrete he was huddled under, separated from Miranda and Shepard by open space that was easily visible to the geth currently wreaking havoc on them.<p>

"Yeah but it was worth it." Shepard yelled back smiling. He picked a grenade he had customized on the Normandy off of his belt and heaved it over the embankment he and Miranda were utilizing as cover without looking. The fire continued to rain down on their cover, chips of the slab flying off at invisibly rapid speed, some hitting them at a velocity that stung, so that the cover essentially became a huge piece of fragment-able shrapnel. A few seconds later there was an immensely overwhelming boom that was followed by a great gust of searing hot wind that the group managed to evade by remaining under their cover. Silence followed.

Shepard slowly peeked out of cover, pistol drawn. He surveyed the aftermath. He could see what was left of the small brigade sent to deal with him and his crew. Two geth drones down. The first before the reinforcements arrived. About ten standard geth troopers dead from the blast and even a hunter. He was beaming at the result. He strode ahead into the now scorched lot past the flaming construction equipment, making sure to stay out of the sun as it was hazardous to their shields.

"Damn." Jacob said astounded.

"Yeah." Shepard said, as they all entered an alley. "That's why I only made three." He remarked, patting the other two black spheres dangling from his belt carelessly. Jacob was relatively oblivious to how dangerous those homemade explosives were but Miranda had an inkling and wasn't enthusiastic about challenging Shepard but she spoke.

"Hey, maybe use these sooner rather than later Shepard okay?" She suggested as they filed past a trio of deceased quarians, their blood spilt in a pool around them not yet dry. Shepard ignored Miranda and approached the corpses, all were victim of suit ruptures, none higher than the collar bone, obviously the work of geth bullets. He knelt beside them, something was squeaking from one of them. It was a high pitched noise playing at a very acute level of volume, neither Jacob or Miranda heard it but Shepard had. His hearing had always been exceptional, probably even more so after his revival.

He triangulated the sound to one of the quarians hands, it was gripped around a walkie-talkie like handset. Shepard picked it up and examined it, pressing the button he guessed that would allow him to communicate with whomever was sending the message.

"Commander Shepard, Normandy, anyone hear me?" He held his ear up to the set.

"Hello? Someone there?" A frantic voice responded within an instant.

"Yes we're here. This is Commander Shepard, who am I talking to?" He asked.

"This is Kal'Reegar, it's good to hear someone's voice. What are you doing here Shepard? Ah dammit, that really doesn't matter right now. What's your position?"

"Well Kal, there are three dead quarians in front of me and a small clearing out of this alley, I can see a building that looks like it would take me to the data storage room where Tali is based off of a rough map we have from our ships AI. That's who I'm looking for. Is she okay?"

"Another soldier here to protect her I see. Yeah she's fine for now, it sounds like you should head over to that building. I'm guessing it's one of the communications buildings. After that you'll be on a direct course to me and we'll discuss then."

"Gotcha." Shepard said looking out of the alley at the empty lot with the simple doorway to whatever lay ahead there, he dropped the walkie talkie and moved. He was certain it was a trap. The scene was too serene. The geth already knew he was there and would not give him an unchallenged run to Tali. He stood still in the mouth of the alley, the walls still giving them generous shade, Miranda and Jacob awaited orders.

"Alright, here's what we're gonna do." He turned around, the shadows blanketing his eyes but not his mad grin.

* * *

><p>"How was this a good idea?" Miranda asked Jacob, both of them once again being pounded with enemy fire, behind a huge pillar of concrete.<p>

"I have no idea, where the hell is Shepard?" Jacob yelled, straining to make himself heard over the barrage of shots.

"NO CLUE!" Miranda screamed. The plan had been for Jacob and Miranda to make a dash toward the building while Shepard covered them. What had ended up taking place was Miranda and Jacob creeping toward the door while Shepard slipped away to the back of the lone garage facing the building where he was sure the geth were holed up waiting to ambush them. A geth rocket hitting a pillar next to the building they were trying to reach confirmed that. The pillar exploded into a huge puff of powder and rocky shrapnel, a large slab landing in front of Jacob and Miranda, they gratefully took cover, the doorway now covered in debris and impossible to access. The geth began pouring out of the garage.

Shepard rolled around the corner of the outside of the garage and ran inside. He'd seen the door leading in earlier but needed to distract the geth. He knew Miranda and Jacob wouldn't be in any real danger because he would be quick and they would be in cover. He walked in the building from a set of stairs that led up to a door on the second level of the garage. He stepped into the darkness which was intermittently interrupted with flashes of gunfire from the battle taking place at the end of the stairs in front of him. He hopped down skipping steps and was now in the large main room. _I spy with my little eye eight geth about to die._ He picked the second of his three homemade grenades and removed the pin. He paused for a moment, watching the grenade in his hand, starting to hiss, the sound of miniature nuclear fission taking place inside. He looked up at the geth who had their backs turned to him and smiled at their impending doom. He chucked it into the center of the room and turned around behind the wall.

He stared at the grey wall opposite of him, it was chipped and uneven, ancient. One of the original buildings constructed by the quarians who first settled Haestrom to study it's unorthodox sun. He reflected on the history of the quarian people and how difficult their lives must be inside those seats. He thought of Tali. He heard the grenade roll and clatter. He turned and looked past the wall, a geth hunter was examining the ball that just hit it's heel. It was holding it in it's hand curiously. Studying every meticulous detail searching for it's origin. It spotted Shepard looking at him from the stairs.

"Boom." Shepard said, winked and took cover.

A blast of scorching hot wind filled the stairway and exited through the door Shepard had intentionally left open at the top of the stairs for ventilation purposes. The sweeping wind knocked over a datapad journal that began to play as it hit the floor. The voice of a quarian played, a young woman, determined and driven.

"We have been sent here to study the irregular behavior of Dholen, Haestrom's sun. I cannot help but imagine the environment my ancestors lived in here, walking free of their suits, perhaps greeting one another with a smile, a hug, a kiss..." She paused.

"I hope to gather the data quickly before the geth arrive. I have...other priorities once I am finished with the admiralty's assignments." She finished, a clicking noise marking the end of the entry.

Shepard felt a warmth spread over him and began to smile, walking out of the scorched garage, as if he were given affirmation of his direction. Today was going to be a good day, he felt it. Some days he couldn't control his rage, but today he just knew he would. Then he would figure out why the hell he couldn't control himself before. He strode toward Jacob and Miranda and the door that would lead to more geth, Kal'Reegar, and eventually her.

* * *

><p>Tali slid around the room from panel to panel checking the status of her mass data upload. There was so much useful data that had never been recovered and decrypted at the fleet. Many squads before her had been sent in to obtain the intel but none had ever succeeded. By the looks of it, this one wouldn't either. She was holed up in the data storage center, a spacious room with a heavy duty blast door that was impervious to any assault, locked. Outside were dozens upon dozens of geth, including an imperious geth Colossus. As far as she knew, she was the last living quarian on Haestrom, and save an act of divine intervention, nothing would allow her to hold that title for much longer. She had grown accustomed to the sound of the Colossus' periodic blasts shaking the room, causing the instruments to clatter and every pebble and flake of debris to dance around the room. Over the last hour, the Colossus was firing less and less and the general ruckus from outside the room was nearly dead bar a few rogue rifle shots which further reinforced her belief that she was alone.<p>

Her intense focus and train of thought was interrupted by a voice breaking through the silence and forcibly jamming her heart into her throat.

"Hello? This is Commander Shepard, is anybody reading me?" She turned around to face the source, the holo-comm. Shepard's bust was visible and he seemed relatively at ease not speaking with panic but tranquil authority, calling who he knew was there, out to him.

"Tali." Shepard beckoned knowingly.

She approached the console, allowing it to scan her. She pressed her hands up against the module.

"Shepard?" She whispered in utter disbelief.

"What are..How did- I'm so glad you're here." Her voice collapsed, she hung her head.

"Hey, I was in the neighborhood and I just thought I'd swing by." He said half a smile playing on his lips.

"Is that so?" She too was smiling now, as if she were already saved.

"Alright, we'll catch up when I save you- I mean help you." He said nonchalantly motioning to the locked door he needed her to open.

"Can't wait then." She unlocked the door to the area beyond for him and went back to work with shaky hands and an excited mood. She couldn't properly understand the shock of Shepard's resurrection and now his coincidental saving of her. It was too perfect. Except for the bloodthirstiness she saw on Freedom's Progress. She didn't like that.

* * *

><p>Shepard led the way through to a room overlooking a vast lot littered with crates and walls, the scene was calm. Shepard knew Tali was in the building at the end, he didn't have a good view of the door to it as it was blocked off by a large wall. He stepped forward toward the window, or there lack of window and squinted to make out what he recognized as a shifting black mound behind the wall. It was moving in a flurry motions, getting larger and larger through mechanical gyration and jerking. Suddenly, from this pile of far away black metal, a large head emerged aimed at Shepard, it emanated a white circular light, exactly like that of a geth head. Shepard hit the ground as it spat out a beam of purple light, Miranda and Jacob followed suit. As if that were a secret signal, dozens of geth poured out of previously unseen coves and crevices and opened fire.<p>

Shepard and crew crawled out of the room via a stairway that led to the lot below. He ran down the rest of the stairs, now only a thick body of concrete shielded him and his group from the masses of geth beyond. He suddenly realized he wasn't alone. There was a heap of a man next to him, or rather a quarian dressed in a red military outfit. He nearly pushed the body aside but as soon as he put his hand on it, it aimed a rocket launcher at his stomach, pressing it deep into his gut.

"Ahh, I see you're not...dead." Shepard said.

"I assume you're Commander Shepard?" the quarian asked, holding the deadly weapon steady with conviction.

"The one and only." Shepard replied unwavering. Upon hearing this the quarian dropped the rocket to his side and let his head dropped.

"I'm Kal'Reegar, the only other quarian alive on this damned planet other than Tali of course. I'm doing my damned best to make sure she gets outta here." He patted his rocket launcher.

"Well Kal, you've done all that anyone could have asked of you. Now please explain to me how the hell we're to get past that Colossus." Shepard asked ducked down by Kal.

"Well, you're best option is to fight through the catwalk on the right of the lot, there's cover from the sun and the Colossus but there's geth pouring out of there and no one in my squad made it using that route. But, I'll be sure to give you cover." He stood up to demonstrate his usefulness, awkwardly aiming the rocket launcher, obviously wounded. Shepard tackled him to the ground as a purple ball of light smashed behind them, barely missing Kal'Reegar.

"Are you serious? You're obviously hurt. You've done your job and we'll take it from here." Shepard shouted angered.

"I'm not gonna sit here on my ass after my whole squad up and died." He protested.

"Then you'll honor them by not needlessly throwing your life away, Kal. Believe me, we've got it from here." Shepard said more calmly, the geth and Colossus still delivering a barrage of projectiles their way.

"Alright." He sighed deeply, letting himself sink against the wall, allowing his rocket launcher to fall by his side. "Alright...You better hurry then."

"Miranda, I want you to stay here with Kal and cover our six. Jacob, you go along the left, stay out of the sun and the Colossus' range to give me supporting fire on the catwalk on the right. I don't want anyone coming with me after the Colossus, got it?" He issued, checking his omni-tool and reloading his rifle. Silence followed. He looked at Jacob and Miranda who were exchanging hesitant looks.

"Trust me." He said confidently and ran toward the catwalk, geth fire unable to track him, the sun's lethal rays disrupting his shield. This reckless man somehow seemed to be writing the script as he went along.

* * *

><p>It had been about half an hour since Tali had spoken to Shepard but her heartbeat was still rushing a mile a minute, even more than when she thought death was inevitable. So was the importance of Shepard to her.<p>

She sighed heavily, the geth fire and Colossus fire had resumed at full volume and vibration, shaking her and the room. This meant Shepard was outside, coming. Every few minutes, less and less geth could be heard firing until there were none but the Colossus shooting. Tali was unsure how to position herself for her reunion with Shepard. _Should I sit?_ She tried sitting, folding her arms, bouncing her leg nervously. _No, this is stupid. _She couldn't keep herself in the room any longer, the data was just about done uploading and she needed to see Shepard, even if the Colossus was only 20 meters outside the door, it still wouldn't notice her especially if it's attention was drawn to Shepard.

She crept toward the door, trying to make as little noise as possible opening it. She unlocked it and it slid open slamming hard and loudly. She looked outside and saw Shepard, he was to her left about to charge at the Colossus when he saw her and froze. The Colossus also shifted it's gaze lazily toward the sound of the door opening and spotted her. Shepard noticed it was focused on her and was instantly broken from his trance by the realization, he sprinted toward it mad. Driven.

The Colossus began crawling toward Tali listlessly but with fatal intent. One of it's legs was badly mangled so it pathetically dragged itself toward her. She fumbled her pistol trying to aim it, dropping it, suddenly paralyzed with terror at the Colossus that was only 5 meters away now.

"TALI! GET INSIDE!" Shepard bellowed as he ran and lifted the Colossus with biotics. It flailed it's remaining legs in protest of this sudden elevation. He slid under it and for a fraction of a second was staring into the 'belly of the beast'. Thousands of cogs and mechanisms were turning and bulging trying to maintain the life force of this doomed machine. All this was wrapped in a sheet of brilliant blue, Shepard's biotic lift. He shoved his final grenade into it with a biotic powered thrust as his momentum carried his slide away from the Colossus.

Tali watched all this in awe, fascinated. The Colossus was confused by Shepard's run and struggled to break free of his biotic hold but it was too late. The blast occurred right before Tali closed the door so she was able to catch a glimpse of the great fire ball the Colossus had become, and a whiff of the hot wind that rushed the room from the mini-nuke.

She dropped her hands to her knees and panted, shaking from that foolish encounter with death she had brought upon herself. After a minute, she opened the door to see Shepard about to knock. He smiled at her and brought his poised hand down to her hip and gathered her into his arms without any words of introduction. She wrapped herself around him, finally able to surrender to the stress of leading two dead squads and knowing Shepard was back from the grave. For a while they didn't say anything as nothing needed to be said. Shepard had rescued her from the storm and now they were alone for a moment.

"Just in the neighborhood eh?" Tali asked, pulling her head away from Shepard's neck.

"Well I couldn't go on a suicide mission to save the galaxy without my favorite quarian could I?" He replied beaming with relief.

"Just your favorite _quarian_?" She asked coyly, grinning under her mask.

Shepard could see the outline of her smile through her visor and it made him break into an even bigger one of his own. Tali couldn't believe her flirtatious comment and was about to clear her throat and awkwardly change the subject when someone called out for Shepard. It was Miranda. Seeing her look at Shepard the way she was made Tali envious that she had been spending the last couple of months with him rather than Tali. Shepard looked back at Miranda who was nearing them and broke from the embrace.

"Are you ready to go Shepard? Kal's wounds have been patched up but he needs more experienced quarian medical attention. I assume Tali will be taking him back with her to the migrant fleet?" Miranda said casting her a malicious glance.

"Actually no, Kal will be returning alone. I'll be joining the Normandy. My original ship. With my original captain." She smirked proudly as Shepard smiled at the thought, looking off into the distance.

* * *

><p>Back on the ship after being introduced to the crew Shepard took Tali on a tour of the rest of the Normandy himself.<p>

"This is the cockpit, as it was on the original Normandy, with some slight alterations." Shepard motioned.

"Hey Tali, it's great to have you back on board." Joker smiled at her. "That is Tali right? I can never tell with the mask." Joker said sarcastically and jokingly looking at Shepard.

"Ahhh shut up you, I would hit you but you know." She made a motion of a stick breaking, a hit at Joker's brittle bones.

Shepard led her away from Joker, taking her to the elevator motioning to the four levels.

"So there's four levels on this ship, the Engine core at the bottom, the Crew's quarters third, the combat information center here. Where would you like to go?" He asked.

"Wait. You said four levels, did you not?" She asked approaching him, the elevator doors closing behind them.

"The uhh, first level is well... it's my personal cabin." He said. She smiled.

"Oh, I-I see, well... I won't be visiting that floor then. Take me down to the engine core please." She stuttered nervously. She knew how she felt about him but had no idea how he felt. Despite his advances...Perhaps that was mere happenstance. She shook her head at how quickly she had jumped to conclusions, her head spinning. The elevator pinged to signal their arrival. The doors rolled open and out stepped Shepard to escort Tali to her station. They walked inside to the station overlooking the status of the engine core.

"Well here you are then." Shepard waved his hand over the instruments accidentally bringing some of them to life.

"Oh crap." He quickly returned them to their dormant state as Tali laughed.

"I've really missed you Tali." He said seriously. She nodded, biting her lip nervously.

She looked down at his hands and picked one up with both of hers.

"You don't know the half of it." She whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek.

He lifted her chin with his hand and hugged her once again. Once on Freedom's Progress and Haestrom not being nearly enough for her either.

He released her and started to walk away.

"If you ever need me, my door is always open." He said. "My personal cabin door that is..." He smiled and she blushed. He turned and walked out still grinning.

_Oh Keelah_

**More to follow...**


	4. I Know What I Want

It had been two weeks since the events on Haestrom when Shepard had had enough and decided to confront the Illusive Man.

He stormed into the debriefing room, his leather combat boots he was accustomed to wearing aboard the Normandy, pounding against the floor. He waited for the center piece of the room to dissolve into the floor and entered the ray of the holo-scanner. He was bathed in the orange light as he waited for the Illusive Man to accept his call.

A few seconds later, all was dark on his side and the Illusive Man was visible in front of him. He was sitting in his typical position, his legs crossed, a cigarette burning on his lips. The star behind him burned brightly outshining all the other distant ones pitched behind it with a brilliant orange that seared into the eyes to proclaim. _I am the biggest star there is_. That was the language stars spoke at a distance of within forty million miles but this domineering fireball was filtered by what seemed to be a massive window, enough so that the room was slightly dark. He released a current of smoke from his chest and spoke.

"Shepard. What can I do for you?" He asked wondering.

"I have a few questions actually." Shepard said, his chest puffed out and his head held high, already slightly indignant.

"Well what do you want to know exactly?" He responded, flicking the butt of his cigarette with his thumb to eject ash from the tip.

"What did you do to me?" He asked slowly and menacingly. He had always been a kind and patient man but these malicious callings were overwhelming him and he needed it to stop. It was distracting him from the mission and well...everything. He was unable to suppress what memories simmered to the surface of the boiling pot his mind became at times. These memories, he thought had long since been repressed and dealt with, at a young age, in a different place, a different time. A different life.

"...Well...We brought you back from the dead, if that's what you're asking." He disclosed softly, his tone diffusing Shepard's outburst. He rested the cigarette on his lips for a split second, inhaled, removed it with his two forefingers and exhaled. His deadly cycle.

"Shepard. You're my most prized asset, my star player, humanity's guardian. If there's something you should be telling me that I'm unaware of then by all means let me know." He said directly.

"You know. Miranda's your mole on my ship and she knows everything that happens on it. You had me pieced together for two years." He said not daring to break eye contact. He continued in full stride, swinging his next words like a sledgehammer at the Illusive Man's glass 'concern'.

"What extra piece did you jam into me?" He demanded.

The Illusive Man didn't speak for a while, opting to instead let his cigarette slowly whittle away to the tip, then dropping it into his ashtray. He chose his next words carefully.

"Shepard...We knew there were certain...risks...in waking you prematurely. Mind you, we were nearly ninety-nine percent done when the station was attacked and we had to power you up..."

Shepard didn't like that phrase '_power you up_'. It made him feel like a tool being sharpened and polished to be put to the Illusive Man's disposal. Maybe later to be casted away into the dark embrace of death once more upon obsoleteness. He shook the feeling away, he had warmed up to this new life, and once he'd kicked this conundrum, he planned to stay alive, and whoever stood in his way...well...

"...That being said..." He continued. "There were some tests we'd ran that concluded that your memories were intact absolutely but refreshed in a bizarre manner meaning old repressed memories could essentially be as easily conjured as something that had happened to you no less than five minutes ago. These memories that you had been unable to relive for whatever reason, like I said, repression perhaps because of the traumatic nature of the memories, have now become jumbled in your mind and I think it's bringing out certain aspects of yourself which are hard to maintain. Am I wrong?"

_Right on the money, you bastard._

"How do I fix this?" Shepard asked, his fist clenching involuntarily, nails dug into his palm. He was grinding his teeth softly, his jaw muscles popping out in short intervals. His hair had fallen across his forehead, covering down to his eyebrows like a curtain drawn to hide him causing his usually handsome face to seem terribly sinister and formidable.

"Well, that all depends what the memories in question actually are. We can't just manually alter them, I'm sure you wouldn't agree to that anyway. I think this is a problem that is very personal to you. I don't have the solution Shepard." He opened his hands to him as if to prove himself clean.

"You're right. I'll figure this out." Shepard shut down the comm-link to return to his room, he needed to mull things over. Whatever he did next could make or break his mind and spirit.

* * *

><p>While Shepard ached and writhed in the agony of indecision in his quarters, Tali was cleaning out the engine pensively.<p>

She took a break from her activity as it wasn't dire, not as dire as the thoughts preoccupying her. She had been feeling awfully ignored or rather that she was being avoided. Not by any of the crew, she had been dining and catching up with the people aboard the Normandy, those who had served before, Dr. Chakwas, Garrus, Joker. But there was one particular individual whose attention she sought more than any other, the answer being so plain and obvious for all to see as she sometimes made 'trips' to the Combat Information Center for various fabricated reasons, all holding her agenda on their belly, to see Shepard. She couldn't understand why they hadn't spoken in two weeks except for perhaps a brief greeting. He was just too distant.

After all their moments of warmth and affectionate flirting, she was sure that she was ready to confess her feelings when Shepard isolated himself from the crew, always in his cabin, and when he wasn't he looked exhausted as if he were personally exorcising demons, or exorcising personal demons...

Whatever it was, she didn't want to let what they had or were having to slip away. She was going to confront him. She considered the weight of what she was doing as she ordered the elevator to take her to the first floor: Shepard's abode. She ran her hand along the smooth railing, realizing that this could potentially be the moment where she would confess herself to Shepard. Ever since she'd firs met him. All the feelings that had to be bottled up, then smashed to pieces upon his death...And now... Well she had no idea what they were now. They were everywhere. The elevator halted and the door slid open.

She was face to face with the door to his room, standing in the corridor. She was about to turn back and leave when it opened unprovoked. Shepard was laying on his bed with many pieces of...paper, it would seem. A normal quarian wouldn't be familiar with paper as it was rarely used on Earth save for in museum exhibits but Tali was no ordinary quarian. She had an extensive base of knowledge of all races in the galaxy, humans especially and these were what humans used to utilize to store data. Books.

There were dozens sprawled about his bedside and one in his hands that he was reading. He looked up and immediately closed the book. He stood up.

"Hey." He said surprised.

"Hi..." Tali said walking toward him, kneading her hands.

"I uhh...what _are_ these?" Tali asked quizzically. Shepard laughed and picked one up and approached her.

He put it in her hands.

"I know you know what these are so I'm not going to describe books for you." She giggled. "But these are some personal possessions of mine."

"Why do you even have books? I thought humans never used them." She wondered, following him as he walked back to his bed to sit. She liked that, he was at ease with her.

"Well, I grew up in the slums of a bustling Earth metropolis so I never really got a great formal education, the school I went to actually had a huge storage of these ancient books." He explained, patting one that was pressed down into his covers. She sat beside him.

"They never really made us use a lot of them but I knew where they were and I didn't have much to go home to after school so..." He trailed. "Actually, it wasn't much of a school to be honest, and I didn't actually have a home so I don't feel too bad about stealing the ones I did."

"What is this one?" She handed him back the one he'd been reading.

"I am Legend by Richard Matheson...That was one of the first books I grabbed. Glad I did. It's a beautiful story." Shepard lied on his back, looking through his skylight into space at the countless stars and nebulae packed together like dazzling gems and explosions. She looked at him longingly, wanting to steal a place next to him..

"I remember being cold. Too cold to go outside. It was winter and the community building I lived in didn't have proper heating so I stayed behind at the school. I fell asleep at my desk and woke up in the middle of the night. Everyone was gone. I was only twelve and alone in a locked school in the dark. I was petrified. I ran down the hall and banged on the doors and kicked at them but it was all useless. I roamed the school looking for the warmest room to stay in. Preferably one with a bed of some kind. I went into the basement, lo and behold there was a plethora of these dusty tomes. I grabbed a cot from the poor excuse of a nurse station and stayed up the entire night digging into them, sucking every tidbit of information out of as many as I could. Obviously with only one night I couldn't get a great deal done so I started staying there every night. No one would notice as no one ever went down there. The door handle to the storage room was orange with rust and enveloped by cobwebs. It was nice for a while, I got some real learning done, and I had a place to stay to get away from the gangs... And from some other things..." He mumbled the last bit robotically, lost in the stars hanging outside, above him.

"What kind of other things were you hiding from?" Tali asked, amazed he had poured all of this out to her. She inched closer to him on the bed like a child closer to the storytelling father.

"We'll find out soon enough I guess..." He whispered still fixating on the deep moving puzzle of space. She was confused by this but didn't want to delve into something he clearly wasn't set on discussing so she lied down on the bed, not directly next to him. _Oh no_, there was at least an arms reach between them.

For a while they didn't say much but rather stared at the many stars, each one twinkling, just brighter than the next, each yearning to prove itself ever illuminable, each with it's own story. Space, the great illusive question. _How many other life forms could exist? What was the purpose of it all? What was beyond the Milky Way? What was truly Commander Shepard's favorite store on the Citadel?_

These were the thoughts pervading the minds of Tali and Commander Shepard as they lay in his bed holding one another, oblivious of this, drawn together by the intimidatingly gorgeous abyss of space. Huddled and linked together in their insignificance, realizing the significance each held to the other.

Tali and Shepard lay dreamily together. It was when Shepard nuzzled his lips into Tali's neck, sort of hugging her, that she looked at him and it hit her like a bucket of cold water would hit a sleeping human, _they were cuddling_!

She jumped out of the bed and Shepard did likewise as he obviously became aware of the inappropriateness of it all. He actually wasn't that upset by it but clearly he felt he should have been based on Tali's reaction.

"Uhhh... Um.. err well." She cleverly delivered.

"It's not that big of a deal." He said walking slowly toward her. "I was in a vulnerable place and you were there for me. You came up here and you being here means something to me." He said closer.

"Yeah, I'm glad I came by." She smiled, relieved to hear that he wasn't appalled.

"Then, I hope you'll come to me more. I know I've been weird lately but I'm really working on it, it should be over soon and there'll be time for..." He trailed, holding her hand looking down at it. He linked her three fingers into his five and smiled.

"I can't wait. When are you going to finish whatever it is...?" She asked open to him, her chest grazing against his.

"Well actually pretty soon. We should be landing on Earth shortly." He said, those last words dropping hard, furthering the anomaly this entire encounter had been for Tali.

"Why do you need to go to Earth?" Tali asked.

"It's my mom Tali. The reason I'm this way, and I know that you see it. The reason I've been different. It's all got to do with her. I don't know exactly how but it does." He struggled to say looking lost.

"Will she be expecting you?" Tali asked, rubbing his hand softly.

"No, she's been dead for twenty years."


	5. Keep the Future, Show me the Past

_"I can't...I'm scared mom..." He pleaded, tears welling up in his eyes, fear strangling his heart, pulling it into the dark. He couldn't remember anything but the dialogue and appearance of his mother in this particular memory. The memory that haunted him. He could see the streaks of gray in his mothers black hair and her dark unsettling face..._

_"My sweet baby." She said lovingly, caressing his cheek with one hand, holding him still by the shoulder with the other forcefully so that one hand's actions contradicted the other._

_"You need to do this for us. For our survival." She explained as if it were a simple task she had assigned to him, her only living child._

_"Mom..." The tears began to roll as little ten year old John Shepard put his hands over his eyes, his lower lip trembling exceedingly._

_"Listen John." She said, losing her feigned patience. "I want you to become a man. A man has to take care of his family and since Ray ran away..." John pulled away, looking to the ground, lost in his innocent weakness as the tears began to pour out in a torrent mixed with whimpers. _

_He thought of his brother and drifted away from that plane of existence to be with him once more in memories as his hands covered his hot, wet sobbing face. Ray Shepard was John's brother, four years older than him. He completely idolized his brother and followed him everywhere he went, absorbing everything he did and emulating him as much as he possibly could. All the neighborhood kids taunted him with the nickname 'J-R' - John-Ray. It wasn't too cleverly thought up but then again, those underprivileged children weren't too clever themselves. John loved that nickname as it filled him with a sense of pride and achievement. He loved his brother dearly. Whenever John got in a fight in those dirty slums with some street scum bag, young as him or old enough to be his father, it didn't matter, Ray stepped in and either dished out pain or took the beating. The Earth slums weren't a forgiving place and therefore, many of the homeless residents lost any natural inclination to show kindness or mercy to one another and fended for themselves in a most ruthless manner that meant an old hobo would fight a nten year old boy for a case of old food in a dumpster._

_John slipped into that memory once more... _

* * *

><p><em>It was cold. Very cold. It was winter in the slums and that meant food was even scarcer than ever. John was roaming the narrow roads of his neighborhood in search of any means of sustenance since he had a mother and brother to feed. Under less bizarre circumstances, his brother Ray would be doing the scrounging, usually in the huge trash dumps that were the only large tracts of land left in the Boston slums as the rest of city's area was stuffed with skyscrapers and massive buildings, even some space ports (Boston was very popular among Turians for some reason). However Ray was very ill with a fever that his mother refused to bring him to a clinic for as she claimed to be able to fashion a natural remedy. Even at the age of ten years old, John remembered thinking to himself that his mom was full of shit, he immediately regretted the thought as it did not bode well for Ray but secretly knew it to be true.<em>

_Most of the day was spent in the shadows of these tremendous towers, all traffic and traveling taking place in the air rendering streets of densely crowded skyscrapers obsolete as one could be transfered from one to another via bridges or shuttles and avoid visiting the land of the forgotten down below where tents were pitched and people lived in shambles. It wasn't that homelessness was an epidemic in this metropolis, but rather that the standard of living, the gap between the privileged and the poor was so great that it seemed insurmountable and unjustifiable given humanity's advancement over the last century._

_John shuffled down the road, the great intimidating bases of soaring buildings surrounded him, trash littered the ground and rain began to pour. It fell in a mixture of hail and cold water. His exposed sneakers and overcoat were bombarded. He zipped it up to his chin and tightened the hood and ran pell mell as if he were being chased, his bony face focused. He turned the corner and the dump was within site, it was a massive wasteland of treasures but John knew his way around it and labeled the sections based on what was dumped there. There was a furniture section (he'd once salvaged a decent mattress with his brother Ray), a section devoted to plastics which was a small recycling center that was off-limits, but most importantly, on the periphery of the dump were specialized dumpsters containing food and biodegradable material. Those dumpsters were set to compress the material within and regurgitate them hours later, he always timed his raids as he had heard cautionary tales of children his age not being quick enough..._

_It was getting late and as if to confirm that, the sun began settling behind the horizon, tucking itself in, creating extremely steep skyscraper shadows. John approached the massive steel mechanical dumpster and expertly pulled a hidden lever underneath that to a greenhorn would be invisible. It removed a cover to reveal a set of rungs that could be scaled, leading inside the beast. Little John grabbed hold of the first bar and pulled himself up, step by step. As he neared the top he realized two things. Because of the downpour, the inside would be very wet as the drains at the bottom were easily blocked by trash and there was something sloshing around in the water inside already. He made it to the last bar and peeked in, holding tightly onto the lip of the dumpster to see a hunched over figure wearing a stained, soaked, maroon trench coat digging through the mess, up to his knees in the slimy water. _

_The man inside grunted and mumbled to himself, picking bags out and holding them up to the dying sunlight to inspect them better. John was nervous about sharing a scavenging site with a fellow slum-mate as he knew how vicious some were but resigned himself to jumping in as the next dumpster was fifty meters away and closer to the road where he could be seen accessing it, which was strictly forbidden. He landed inside with a great splash sinking to his waist in the garbage and rainwater. The man turned his head toward the source of the sound, still hunched over but looking through slits of hate. He glared intimidatingly, so long that John felt like scurrying out, but after a few seconds of it, the grumpy bum blew air out of his nostrils like a bull and turned back. John breathed a sigh of relief and immediately commenced his search for something to feed his family. His thin arms picked through old moldy food, searching for air tight trash modules that people of higher class used which were able to keep more waste than a bag within and kept them fresher. He shifted down to his knees so he could feel the trash beneath him. The water rose to his chest as a result of his descent. He felt for something, anything._

_He checked on the hobo above him, he was on higher ground, more trash had been piled where he was standing so it was elevated. John hadn't dared land next to him so he had jumped into the deep end of the broad dumpster and was thankful he had by the looks of the irascible man. He felt around some more, sniffling a bit when he felt something hard and metallic underneath an unknown gunk-like substance. He ripped it out, to examine it, his heart racing. In his hand was a long rectangular metal case - a trash container. He rejoiced, holding it to the overcast sky triumphantly, the setting sun visible through parted clouds on the horizon looking on, illuminating it's reflective surface so that the light was casted on the wall adjacent to his fellow scrounger. The man was startled at the bright light on the wall in front of him, he turned around bewildered. John gulped back fear._

_The scruffy man locked in on his target - the box. Neither knew what it contained but it was likely to be the best thing either would be able to procure before all was completely dark, as night was rapidly approaching. He waded into the deeper water, pushing aside bags of trash and indiscernible ruined foods, moving fast like a shark smelling blood. _

_"Give it." He said, his tone ominous as if to warn that he wouldn't make the same demand twice. John hesitated. He looked around for an escape as there was no way he would relinquish his prize. Near the left corner of the dumpster was a pile of bags that could be easily scaled leading back to the outside world, he noticed it and took flight to the right. _

_The mangy man stretched out his arm as John barely evaded it, moving to the right swiftly and then making a beeline for the piled up trash. He jumped up on them, climbing one at a time, his feet sinking slightly under the soft, wet terrain. He reached out and grabbed the top of the dumpster heaving himself upwards, the box in his other hand when he felt a cold hand grab his neck with steel grip and was thrown all the way back into the deep end. He landed with a sharp pain in his hip as he struck something sharp under the water. He rose to the surface, choking on the disgusting water. He looked up, the man slapped him across the face and tried to snatch his case. Stunned by the blow, he was just able to pull it out of the way and run to the right corner, the man quickly blocking off his exit route. _

_He walked slowly and menacingly._

_"It didn't have to be like this." He said plainly, cocking his fist back. John couldn't believe the situation and closed his eyes, guarding his face with his arms. The blow never arrived. Instead, what followed as a loud thud, a pained groan, some sloshing and a final splash. He opened his eyes slightly, still wincing. He looked up to see his brother Ray standing where the man had been, a pipe in his hands. His appearance horrified John as he looked even more sickly and pale than when he had left home to fetch food only two hours before. Ray held his stomach, lightly, the pipe in his other hand in case the man awoke. _

_"Ray!" John exclaimed, bursting in tears, hugging his savior. _

_"Johnny, you were late, we gotta get home." Ray whispered quickly, his voice raspy and tired. They climbed out, Ray throwing his pipe at the man's back in hopes of awakening him before the compressor was powered on in a few moments. He mumbled and shook his head regaining consciousness. Ray, satisfied, climbed down to find John, who had opened the case to discover some edible bits of food and a dazzling gold necklace with a green pendant, delighted. With that they headed home..._

* * *

><p><em>...John was jerked back into reality as his mother shouted something at him.<em>

_"I need you to do this John! Otherwise, consider yourself dead to me!" She seethed, full of venom poisoning and traumatizing her small child. John sniffled, but didn't cry out, no one would hear him and he'd probably be beaten for it._

_"I know what I'm asking you to do isn't easy for somebody your age, but your perfect for it, it's your destiny and it's something deserved." She said calming down but still with the look of a psychopath._

_"I won't do it." He defied, backing away._

_"I can run away just like Ray. He told me you were crazy and that he would save me from you. He told me to follow him and I will!" He bellowed, his voice breaking. His mother ran at him and grabbed him by his hair pulling his face in closer to his about to scream..._

That was where everything faded into hazy desolation. He shook the thought from his mind, sitting aboard the Normandy next to Joker, gazing out of the windows at the little blue planet called Earth that they were preparing to land on.

"You okay commander? You look like you've seen a...Well, aren't you technically a ghost yourself? Yeah, you look like you've seen a...you." Joker quipped trying to lighten the mood as Shepard had been sitting straight-faced the entire ride. Shepard faked a laugh, he was too high strung to relax. He needed to find out what his mother was trying to force him to do or what had happened to Ray or his mom or anything to mitigate the uncontrollable dark memories and thoughts corrupting him slowly, corroding his spirit.

"Joker, you know where we're landing, Boston, Massachusetts." Shepard said standing as the Normandy entered the Earth's atmosphere.

"Right-o, birthplace of Commander John Shepard." Joker added.

"Yep." He said shortly, the Normandy easing into its port. The beautiful Boston skyline glimmered in the twilight, the Hancock building, nearly ancient but always maintained and updated shone proud, reflecting the tangerine setting sun. He prepared to leave, he wanted to get this over with.

* * *

><p>Within a matter of hours, Shepard found himself at the police station closest to his former home reviewing data and sifting through files he had been permitted to view using his omni-tool as Tali and Miranda sat by doing likewise. The office outside of their private room was bustling with activity but they were silently studying the precious files pertaining to Shepard. As soon as Shepard had walked into the station, the fat moustache'd chief was willing to do anything in obeisance to Shepard since he was a hero to earth and a legend in his hometown of Boston so it wasn't hard to get access to the files.<p>

Tali didn't like that Miranda had been brought along as she felt that this was a very sentimental case that would allow her to connect with Shepard more and she didn't need that Cerberus girl there to hinder her.

"What exactly is it we're looking for again?" Miranda asked scrolling through the screen projected by her omni-tool.

"Anything related to my mother, Miranda. Sarah Shepard. Just anything...I just...Whatever you can find." Shepard said, sweat accumulating on his forehead.

"I have something here. It just says that she went missing...But it does mention your father, Isaac Shepard..." Miranda trailed to allow Shepard to cut in whenever he felt ready. Tali cursed her, wishing she had been the one to find that data, she just wanted his attention. The attention he promised he was ready to pay after this was over. She had been waiting yearning for him ever since.

"My father... Where does he live? We're going there." He declared, standing up, almost halfway out of the door. He clearly didn't like being here and wasn't trying to hide it as shown in his hurrying attitude.

An hour and a shuttle ride later, they arrived to a posh apartment tower where they were informed that a Mr. Isaac Shepard lived in the penthouse. They entered the elevator and called for the last floor.

Tali shifted her weight from her left to her right foot as she stood anxiously, she didn't like being back on Earth as her last memories there had been extremely painful. Shepards funeral...

She fought back tears, instead looking at the man in the flesh right in front of her in this spacious elevator. She smiled and stood next to him while Miranda paid no attention, checking something on her omni-tool. Shepard again, seemed distant on this 'mission'. Throughout it's entirety he was driven and entranced by his past, a strange look in his eyes as if her were trying to see something far away, in a different time. None of it mattered to Tali, only that he was okay. She needed him to be okay.

The elevator doors opened and they stepped into a brightly lit corridor lined with red carpet laced with gold down the sides. The corridor led to a single doorway. Shepard strode down the hall towards and instead of pressing for the intercom he banged his fist loudly against the massive decorated door. A steel engraving covered the majority of the door. It depicted a proud imperious lion at the top of the door looking out at the great expanse that lay ahead with two cubs toward the bottom, walking toward their father... Shepard scoffed. If this told him what he thought about his dad then he was already a disappointment.

The door slid open and they entered into darkness. Cold, fresh air bit at them in the shadowy room that preceded the actual rest of the house. Ahead was a door with a stained glass window, light seeped out distorted by the designs of it. Shepard didn't have time for dramatics or whatever this was so he walked quickly toward it and opened it himself. It revealed a large open living room, paintings and statues adorning the walls and the empty spaces close to them. There was a staircase at the end of the room leading up to the right to a small balcony and set of rooms atop. To the left was a panoramic view of the Charles River, downtown Boston where old Fenway Park could be spotted, it's green walls a constant throughout time. In the center was a set of couches facing the door and a large screen on a wall to the right of where Shepard had just bursted in. On one of these luxurious beige couches was a slightly startled looking man with a cigar in his hand. He set it down in an ashtray on the table in front of him and stood up.

He searched for words and managed to find some.

"John...They said you were here but...I just couldn't believe it until I saw it for myself..." He walked slowly toward him, cautiously as if he was afraid that his son was a mirage and could vanish if he moved too quickly. Shepard didn't know what to think of the man approaching him. He had large green eyes that seemed gullible but upon closer inspection held a twinkle of hidden intelligence deceiving the initial impression. He hobbled over with a slight limp. He was tall, about two meters to be exact. He had dark brown hair that was predominantly white and a matching white well kept beard. He was well dressed, wearing an expensive plain navy blue sweater.

"Please, sit." He said offering a couch closer to where he had walked. Shepard sat, Isaac followed suit. They stared at each other for a while, neither knowing how to start what they intended to say. Tali watched, completely moved and sympathetic to Shepard's situation, just wanting to hold him tightly. She left the room as she received a message.

"I'm going to be blunt." Shepard said, as he declined a cigar from Isaac. "I really don't remember you. Or anything at all. In fact, it's a long story-"

"I have plenty of time to listen." Isaac said kindly, his eyes disclosing genuine interest. Shepard took a deep skeptic breath, staring deep into his fathers eyes. He told his story.

After all the extra explanation of what he could actually remember Shepard asked.

"What happened? Do you...Do you know?"

Isaac looked petrified. His face was pale and he trembled slightly as he drew from his cigar.

"John, you were just a child." He said as if making an excuse for something Shepard didn't understand.

"Okay, I know. What was it that happened, what did my mother want me to do? Where is she?" Shepard demanded, frustrated, the memories bubbling to the surface, hot, scathing his heart and damaging his control.

Isaac looked at him worriedly.

"Well, John. I'm going to be extremely frank with you. You're mother wanted you to kill me."

"What? That doesn't make any sense! I know you weren't there for us but why would she try to have a ten year old kill a man?" Incredulity at the brim.

"John, that's not entirely true. I married your mother when I was young. She had always been a wonderful woman, but when her family was killed on Mindoir...She changed. She was an insomniac. She talked to herself and was completely feeble minded at times. I got her help, therapy, the best money could buy but she always came out worse than when she'd begun the sessions. Then she finally ran off, took you and Ray with her and I never saw her again. Well, not alive at least." He set his cigar back down and looked somberly at Shepard.

"John, I tried to find you and your brother but couldn't. Your mom had done well hiding out in the slums. Your brother Ray actually found me, as resourceful as he was at fourteen and told me about you, still living with your mother in the slums. He wanted to go back and get you that day that he ran away and found me, but I knew how sensitively it had to be handled. If we tipped your mother off she could have disappeared with you forever. So we waited but the opportunity never presented itself. I set up my connections so that there would be no way she'd leave Boston - no, there'd be no way she'd leave that shack she forced you to live in without my knowing. I think she knew that. That's why she kept such a short leash on you after Ray ran away. Part of her knew that I was out there, waiting for my boys with open arms." Isaac took a drag of his cigar. He observed the expansive view, the tangerine sunset catching his eyes at an angle so that Shepard saw fire in them.

"And I know what you're about to ask about Ray. He's not here, we'll get to that. Anyway, your mother. She'd had her hand forced. She couldn't attempt to kill me herself as she could get nowhere near me, but she knew you would. She knew I wanted my son. So she tormented you and tried to indoctrinate you but what seemed like persuasive argument to her probably transfered as psychopathic traumatizing brainwashing to a child like you. So on the night she was to send you to assassinate me, God knows how, she started beating you when you were insubordinate and then you..." Isaac cleared his throat and rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"This is going to be tough to hear John, but you killed your mother. You were young, afraid and were still unable to fully control your biotic powers. It's really not even..." Shepard couldn't hear Isaac anymore, he looked up at the chandelier dumbfounded, his mouth agape, Miranda and Tali unsure of what to do. Shepard slipped back.

_There's blood. There's so much blood. It's on the walls and on my hands... What do I do? Oh mommy I'm so sorry, please wake up. Please please please. Oh God, Ray I need you, mommy I'm sorry I hurt you. If you wake up I'll do anything. Please mom, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do mom, help me. Ray, where are you? Why did you have to leave me alone with her?_

"John? Are you alright? Would you like some water?" Isaac asked, concerned, leaning forward.

"Uh...N-no I'm fine." He managed. "Can you tell me what happened after?" He said weakly.

"Uh, well you came to me since you already knew where I lived through your mother and you knew that I was your father so you stayed here for a few days while I covered up your mother's death and then when you found out Ray had left here... Then you ran away John. You were a broken little boy with your back against the wall and you didn't know that I would only ever protect you. I didn't see you for four years after that when you came back, more understanding. You walked in exactly as you did just now, but with a heavy duty bag of books. I'll never forget that." Isaac reminisced laughing heartily his whole body shaking.

Shepard tried to speak but words failed to reach his lips. This was it. This was what all the nightmares, torturous evil within, all the hate, this is where it stemmed from. And he remembered. Now he could remember it all as if it were happening as he sat there stupefied. She was choking him, tears in her eyes. She didn't know what she was doing. Neither did he. He pushed with all his might and a supernatural force aided him, biotics. She slammed into a wall hard. Hard enough to kill a large bear. He heard a sickening crack and blood poured out of her mouth like she was a cherub in a fountain. He shuddered horrified.

"I hope this helps you John. I never forgave myself for when you ran off but I was glad I was able to spend those four years with you, until you joined the Alliance when you turned eighteen. And son, let me just say that I am extremely proud of everything you are. Everything you've done." Isaac said, his voice breaking slightly with overwhelming pride. Shepard hardly remembered those four years before but now, there they were in perfect clarity. Isaac had been a good father to him, he remembered that. Isaac stood up and went to hug Shepard. He stood as well and accepted, still dazed but relieved to know the truth finally.

"I have to go, dad... But this means a lot to me, I hope you know." Shepard said patting his father on the back. He had just saved his life and thus perhaps all of mankind's. One thing he knew, he had saved his sanity.

* * *

><p>Shepard sat at his desk, lounging, leaning back and pondering. Thinking was much easier now that he lived with less guilt as he knew his actions and the intention behind them. He checked his message terminal as his cabin door hissed open. In stepped Tali'Zorah, playing nervously with her fingers.<p>

"Shepard." She said walking up to him. He stood up. "I wanted to check on you, that must have been very...hard... I mean more than hard, I don't know what you went through but I just wanted to console you, not that you need me to but I wanted you to know that I'm here for you. Not just now, I'm always-" Her sentence was interrupted as Shepard grabbed her into his arms. Her body melted into his. It felt like every part of her was his, that's how right it felt to her.

Somehow she still didn't know for certain, with Miranda on board... She would always be somewhat unsure. She would really need confirmation. Something undeniable to convince her that this was real, that the man she loved... She forced herself to get to what she needed to talk to him about. If she didn't she would probably say things. Things that could lead to who knows what.

She pulled away slightly, they were still holding each other though.

"Tali, I feel a lot better now and I want to let you know how much you being there meant to me." He said looking at her warmly. "We've grown a lot closer since the last time I was...alive and that's just how I like it." He said his arms around her waist. They both loved talking to each other holding each other like that, it was comical that they were both unsure of each others feelings.

"Shepard, before we... Well before we start... I need to tell you something." She said seriously, looking into his eyes.

"What is it Tali?" He asked.

"The Migrant Fleet sent me a message, calling me to trial. I've been accused of treason, Shepard... It has to do with my father so this is extremely important to me. I know you just went through a lot and I understand if we c-can't but do you think we could-"

"I already plotted a course." He interrupted gently. She looked over his shoulder at the open message terminal.

"Thank you so much Shepard." She said throwing her arms around him again. He lived for these moments.

"After it's settled, we can talk about..." She trailed holding his hands in hers. He nodded.

"Tali, whatever lays ahead, whatever they throw at you. I'm there for you always. You'll never fall, I'll be there to catch you." He assured. She smiled under her mask, wishing she could show it. He saw the outline, wishing he could see it all.


	6. Death Waits Smiling

**This used to be a separate story but I've now deleted it and added it as a chapter to this, my only true story so far. A quick look back at how Tali dealt with Shepard's funeral before Chapter 7, Tali's trial, is uploaded. Enjoy.**

* * *

><p>Tali paused from her monotonous engine work to reflect. Within the last month it had failed to truly sink in. The very concept of someone so important to her holding such influence over her heart being pried away from her prematurely only to inexplicably return like a thief in the night, giving no warning to his arrival. It left her completely dumbfounded at times. She would look around at the crew as if to search their faces for similar shock but she knew she wouldn't find it. She knew none of them felt the way she did about him.<p>

She looked down at the ground tired of returning to the haunting memory scratching at the door of her mind, mocking her, begging to be let in. She was unable to resist. She was back on Earth, burying Commander John Shepard...

* * *

><p>She couldn't bring herself to look into the coffin. Not because of the angst that built up in her chest at the thought of sealing an empty casket and burying it. But looking in would seal something else for Tali. It would seal the chapter in her life that was Commander Shepard. Hot tears cascaded down Tali's cheeks as she sobbed, passing drying ones and greeting them to coalesce and disappear under her chin as the enviro-suit evaporated the moisture within the visor while maintaining a cool temperature. It was a pitiful sound. Barely audible since her voice was now too raspy and strained to be able to alert anyone with the weak cry. Like the howling of a wounded animal in the all-consuming darkness. Lost.<p>

She was grateful for the barrier her opaque mask created shielding her from the others. They couldn't see her face crinkle and contort in sorrow but she could see their expressions. She found no solace in their collective grief. She was lost in her memories. She was in the lower levels of the Normandy again, Shephard was walking up to her smiling. She remembered thinking how animated his face appeared when he was smiling, his dimples, jaw line and eyes all reacted to the smile and joined in on the happiness. He was holding something, a data pad. What? It was the one detailing vital information on the Geth, he had been ordered to report it and send it in to the Alliance, it seemed he had other ideas. He knew it would make the perfect object to return to the Flotilla with for Tali, she smiled as she figured this out. He was directly in front of her, looking into her eyes, unblinking, still smiling his relaxed smile. He wasn't worried about the repercussions of "_misplacing_" the data, he had thought about this and decided.

* * *

><p>"Here Tali." He handed her the data pad.<br>"But Shep-" "No." He took her hand in his.  
>"I decided I wanted to do this, you've meant so much to this crew...and to me. I know you're leaving after the mission to Ilos, so it was the only farewell gift I could cook up on short notice."<br>"Oh, thank you Shepard." She hadn't let go of his hand, and just then, she wanted to embrace him more than ever. But she let go of his hand instead, watched it fall by his side and looked away, back to reality.

* * *

><p>More tears.<p>

They were huddled together around a hole, one about to be filled with an empty coffin. The burial site was a grassy cliff just north of the Cemetery of the Honorable overlooking the ocean. The sun seemed to hang just above the horizon, levitating there for an abnormal period of time as it seemed to have remained petrified in that position since they'd arrived nearly half an hour ago. Perhaps it too wanted a glimpse of the empty coffin consigned to the incorporeal corpse of the late commander Shephard. Joker sat in a wheel chair, bound to it by the cast on his right leg, the result of a hectic escape from the crashing Normandy, watching with a blank expression of surreal disbelief. One would think he was docile, his half open mouth and unblinking eyes attributing to that thought but the balled up hat in his hand that he squeezed hard enough to draw out the whiteness of his knuckles betrayed him.

Liara had her hands gripping the back of Joker's chair, her head down, expressionless yet pained, wearing a traditional black Asari robe, the hood drawn , covering her tentacles. Kaidan, who had earlier refused to sit, stood by the podium with stoic eyes that never left the casket soon to be submerged into the dark earth. He kept muttering that he should have stayed behind with him. Garrus and Wrex had not been able to attend, both unable to be contacted or reached in time. T

ali sat by Joker in a smooth, black, curved chair with a few others seated nearby. This initial symbolic funeral was taking place to give the Normandy crew a degree of closure for their loss and thus left out of the public eye to maintain privacy. There would be a global showing a few days later to announce the loss of the first human Spectre. The Alliance had opted to be flashy with his grave and had a 15 foot statue erected above his tombstone. Seeing him as a statue didn't alleviate Tali's pain.

The burial site was on a cliff along the coast of some place called _Vurgena_? Virginia. Tali hadn't cared much when she learned of the details. Her thoughts were occupied by things that superseded this petty circumstantiality. Like him. Shepard was dead. Never coming back. That thought struck her. No, it smited her, sinking her heart in a manner akin to how the Normandy was obliterated, screeching metal unheard in the dark vacuum of space. Perhaps a fleeting cry from her doomed commander as he breathed his last breaths? More tears.

Then she proceeded to do the thing she had resisted doing since learning of his death, she thought of his last moments... She zoned out as the group listened to a strained voice list Commander Shepard's accolades and achievements that marked his status as an Alliance legend, demarcating him from all who came before him and declaring that the Alliance was now missing the most influential and powerful cog in her machinery. If there was one thing Captain Anderson was going to do for Shepard, it would be to make damned sure that he got a proper eulogy, the man had earned one a thousand times over.

Tali's mind seemed to refuse focus and indulged in the memories of Shepard it had archived, incessantly springing them on her whenever she would lose concentration. One moment she was sitting, half listening to Anderson's speech, half taking in the view of the Earth's massive ocean and it's sun melting into it's waters, wondering if she would live to see the oceans of Rannoch as Quarian children basked in the sunlight, splashing water on each others' naked skin. Realizing the person she wanted to share that moment with, the moment she removed her mask and watched a sunset with her own eyes, breathed in crisp cold air unaided by air filters or respirators, the air not processed and changed to body temperature, the moment she looked over and kissed that man on the hills of Rannoch, her first kiss. The first time she would touch another, feel his skin and breath on her mouth. They were burying that man right now.

"Shepard was one man." Anderson paused and looked out at the few gathered around. The pink-orange sun dipping itself into the horizon, finally content with the scene it had witnessed, casted steep shadows over the Normandy crew. Anderson fiddled with the hat in his hands and continued.  
>"But he had a crew that would die for him. That is what a great leader is capable of inspiring. Fraternity and love. Shepard's actions that day..." Anderson collected himself.<br>"...His actions proved he was a selfless man, willing to sacrifice himself for the safety and betterment of those he cared about and mankind. Truly, without him, humanity has lost a beloved son."

Tali could hardly see clearly out of her visor now, she was choked with pain and up until now, her mourning was anonymous since no one could see her face and she had done well to keep silent. But this last instance, this last glimmer of who Shepard was, what he meant, and that he'd never come back was the final wrecking ball to the gut. Her chance to reveal her feelings for him had passed with his death. She stood up and left the small crowd. She didn't know why she even came to the damned thing. There was nothing left for her on Earth. It was time to move on. It was time to return to the Fleet.


End file.
